but i feel like writing about myself at the minute, so here goes.
Basically, i feel really lost, and trapped.
i dont really know what to do anymore.
i quit uni because i just couldnt do it anymore. i dont regret that decision one bit, because i wasnt really happy there. even going out and having fun had become a chore. I dont know whether it was that Portsmouth is such a small city, and after about 3 days youve pretty much been everywhere anyway, which kind of led me to feel like a big man in a small town. Portsmouth almost felt like a village to me, London is such a huge open city and no where else ive been ever really compares to it. Or it just may have been, that im bored of going out? nothing new ever really happens in my life now, and tbh i always ended up going out with the same people, which hadnt really happened to me untill uni because i used to have a wide range of people to hang out with, but something i decided when i went into my second year of uni, is that im not just going to be friends with everyone. Some people i purely kept around for no reason other than to have people around me, which eventually led to me feeling almost worthless. id started to define myself by the people and things around me and that went terribly.
going to uni is not easy by any means. i think a lot of people cover up the fact that they miss home and things by getting drunk all the time. i saw a lot of things and people in Portsmouth that made me realise a LOT of people my age are very insecure. ive never really been one for the british drinking culture. i do drink, and have been varying degrees of drunk in my life ranging from being a bit giddy to people thinking i was dead. but im not a fan of going out with the sole intention to get as drunk as possible. perhaps its because im not particularly insecure? i know i can have fun regardless of the situation. im content to be alone, i dont need to be constantly surrounding by people. in fact i hate never having alone time. i need peace and quiet and space, and thats something quite hard to have at uni.
But i never really felt at home at uni, for a few reasons, and this is the biggest problem i think. i pushed a lot of people away from me. people always say that certain things in life show you who your real friends are, and to a certain extent that is true. towards the end of my first year of uni, i basically went “off the grid”. to some people it was like id disappeared. because of this, i lost contact with a lot of people i considered a friend. it wasnt really anyones fault, i dont look at the world and think theres something wrong with me, and i’ll never have friends, its just uni is a hectic and busy time, and its more than common to make friends briefly and then move on. they dont contact you because you dont contact them, and vice versa and before you know it its like you never met. so i ended up being left with a close core group of friends. so now, i guess i do know who my friends are now because of that. but the have there lives, most are away at uni and stuff so opportunities to see them are rare, and ive never been one for planning things, (my 20th birthday was a disaster) so ive become content to just flit around, turning up and social events and being the “mysterious” yet loveable Anthony that makes everyone laugh, is the life and soul of everything. but then i fade away till the next night out.
Add to all that, the fact of being in a relationship, in which i would travel to stay at her house, then travel back to Portsmouth, then home, then hertfordshire then portsmouth blah blah blah… i just felt lost. it all added up, i didnt feel happy anywhere and nowhere felt like home. i had different friends in every aspect of my life, different places i stayed, different things i did, different ways i had to behave (living with friends at uni, living with your parents, and staying at your girlfriends parents house, are all completely different). like i said, i didnt (and still dont) feel happy in any aspect of my life anymore. i could never be myself. the place i felt most able to be myself was at uni, but then id have to actually go to uni, and do the work, which i just didnt want to do. i guess i would say i got fed up of constantly being told what to do. what i wanted to do more than anything was just pack a small bag of things and disappear. not just go stay at a friends house, but get on a ferry and go to france, then jump on a train and go to another country. stay in a random hostel for a night at a time and just be alone with the world (if that doesnt sound to cringey or cheesy). i havent done that yet, and i almost hate myself for it. i had the chance to do it and i didnt take it and i do regret that. but i do think one day in the not to distant future it will happen.
Ive sort of gone off topic here so basically, to recap, i dont know who i am anymore. i dont know who the real me is. theres no aspect of my life i feel i can really be myself. No where feels like home, and no where i go really makes me happy. for example, my mums house, is where all my stuff is, but i have to share a room with my brother, my bed is too small for me, i eat with the family so i dont really get to eat the food i want, the house is overcrowded as well so i feel muted, and like a small cog. perhaps the smallest cog, because over the past couple of years ive hardly been here.
Not only do i not know what i want to do with my life, i also dont know how to go about my life. when i try to apply for jobs, none seem to be suitable for me. i have no experience and i dont know how to go about getting any. i guess, not only do i feel lost in my personal life, i feel lost amongst a huge government database of statistics.
i dont relate to any particular political party. like a lot of people my age i know, i was suckered in by the lib dems at the last election, i thought Nick Clegg was representing me and people in my situation. but then he turned out to be just as much of a prick as the rest of them. i think the system of government in this country is beyond repair. its corrupt, and broken, and unfair. theres no representation of the people. How can a man who went to Eton, and was provided for his whole life, really understand the wants and needs of the entire british population. he cant? its impossible. not to mention David Cameron is an extremely unpopular person. perhaps its just the cirlces i move in, but ive never heard anyone say they like him. i doubt many people do like him. you only need to look at Barack Obama to realise how shit David Cameron is. there arent exactly legions of Cameron fans. but i digress, the fact is, not only do i not feel at home, at home. i dont even feel at home, in my own country.
im not for a second saying the world owes me anything, if i want things, i cant sit around and wait for them. i know that. but the fact is, and the whole situation with the “bankers” proves this, a lot of people dont have the countries interests at heart. for some reason the type of people that are attracted to the top jobs, that as a result pretty much run this country, are the type of people purely in it for monetary gain. im not an expert on why the world is in economic crisis, but i kind of feel it could easily have been avoided. now, because of these wankers, there are no jobs around.
ive really gone off on a tangent here so i’ll stop. if you read all of this thank you very much. i know the grammar is probably terrible and this whole thing is most likely an incoherent mess. but thank you so much :)